What I really want to say to my mom

I remember a time when I was a young school ager, not more than 7 years old, that I had this thought “My parents don’t know what they are doing”. It was scary. I am living in a house and not able to trust what the adults around me are doing. Feeling as if I needed to figure out motives behind actions, be suspicious of those around me, worry that I needed to figure out so many things that I never should have been thinking about as a young child. 

When you would sit me on the counter and vent about your husband, my step dad, I wish you would have stopped and said “I am not going to talk to about this. I am going to take care of it, and you can trust that you don’t need to worry about it”. 

When my step dad was beating and torturing our family, I wish you would have stood up for us kids and demanded this behavior stop immediately. 

I wish you would have protected me from adult discussions about infidelity, drugs and other inappropriate topics. 

I wish you would have shielded me from worry about food, clothing and shelter, even if you couldn’t provide those things all the time. 

I wish you would have told me that I was wonderful just the way God made me and not compare me to a sibling who was forever just a little bit prettier and smarter than me. 

I wish you wouldn’t have relied on me to care for a special needs sibling, or a younger sibling, or you for that matter. 

I wish you would have been real to those around us instead of forever scrambling to keep a facade up of the perfect Christian family. 

I never expected you to be perfect. I just wanted you to be a little bit stronger than I was. I didn’t want to be thrown out in the waves of life with no anchor, no shore to swim for and no lighthouse for guidance. 

I am an adult. I still need my mom. She is still not there. 

I feel lost and alone a lot of the time. I have no grandmother or mother to turn to. My older siblings are a long distance away both physically and emotionally. 

I am alone. The only thing I know to do is to hang on for dear life and try to create something different for my own daughters.